


F Ineffability

by ThetaSigma



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 09:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20739812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThetaSigma/pseuds/ThetaSigma
Summary: God has some things to set the record straight on. Specifically, Heaven, Hell, The Fall, Earth, and Armageddon.Honestly, I have nothing against Hell. Possibly the colour scheme, but I don’t like Heaven’s Head Office much better. I mean, really, I gave them everything in existence to work with, and they went with white and glass? I’m ashamed. They should have asked that lovely being who spun the nebulae to help them decorate, only of course, he ended up in Hell. Further proving neither side had anything approaching brains.





	F Ineffability

**Author's Note:**

> So this title is the best freaking title possible for this fic, and I am so fucking ANNOYED I wasn't the one to think of it. Credit to that one goes to my sister.

Well, I didn’t think I’d do this again, to be honest, but here we go. So, God here, and I would like to set the record straight on some things. Heaven, Hell, Earth, and Armageddon, specifically. 

It goes a little like this (but also  _ not  _ like this, because, of course, you’re playing poker in a dark room with someone who won’t tell you the rules and is smiling all the time. But this is about the closest you’ll get to glimpsing the rule book, so pay attention).

The first thing you need to know is that even for someone omnipotent, omniscient, and all other words starting with om- (Well. Most other words. I am not an omelet. Although, some have claimed to see my son’s face in an omelet, but that’s what happens when you give your creations free will. I certainly never put my son’s face in an omelet. That would be ridiculous. His face is on pies and pies only, please keep that in mind before selling Jesus Christ face toast.) Where was I? Right, even for someone who is omniscient, omnipotent, etc, keeping warring factions apart is very difficult. I gave _all_ my creations free will, not just the humans, and when certain groups start stating they know better than any other group, well, even God isn’t going to be able to get in a word edgewise.

It’s like that joke about the four rabbis who are arguing, three against one, and the lone rabbi keeps praying for a sign. Finally God -- or, I, I suppose, but it’s a joke -- says, “HE’S RIGHT”, to which the other three rabbis respond, “So now it’s three against two.” Dealing with the rebellion was rather like that.

Honestly, I have nothing against Hell. Possibly the colour scheme, but I don’t like Heaven’s Head Office much better. I mean, really, I gave them everything in existence to work with, and they went with white and glass? I’m ashamed. They should have asked that lovely being who spun the nebulae to help them decorate, only of course, he ended up in Hell. Further proving neither side had anything approaching brains. 

When you’re a mother, or a father, or, you know, a parent, and are very disappointed in your child, it can be hard. When you are the parent to the entirety of creation, and almost all of them are dumber than soup (a lovely creation of mine, I always thought), that disappointment is all-encompassing and really makes you want to take a step back and go, “Fine, you go to your rooms and sort this out, and you can come out and play when you’re ready.”

Which is basically what I did, because I split creation into Heaven and Hell, so that there would be slightly less bloodshed (honestly, I did  _ not  _ give them flaming swords, or the capacity to create them, just so they could go around smiting each other, what kind of Eternal Being  _ am  _ I?!), and then wandered off to stay well out of it. They could come talk to me when ready. I left Metatron, a pompous prick at the best of times, in charge as the Voice of God. Which that clever angel rightly pointed out does not mean he’s actually my voice, and is more like a presidential spokesperson. 

I created Earth because I was bored, and I was bored because my previous beings were all busy fighting about who was right when I had told them already they all were. But somehow, the righteous ones ended up in charge of one faction, and the angry ones of the other, and a whole lot of innocent angels who didn’t want anything to do with this got swept up into it, and suddenly there’s good and evil. Not my finest moment.

Earth was supposed to be something I could watch that would annoy me far less than the angels. And demons, now, I suppose, because the whole thing had gotten totally out of control. They were saying -- both sides -- that the Fall meant I’d forsaken them, but they’re my creations, how could I forsake them? 

Again. Numpties.

But then Heaven and Hell decided Earth would be the perfect testing ground of their newfound ideologies, and after a suitable time, they’d declare Armageddon and have it out and have one proper victor.

I think I’ve made it clear, the last thing I wanted was Armageddon.

And I  _ am  _ the divine deity here, so of course there’s a Great Plan, but as those very clever two pointed out, there’s also an  **Ineffable ** Plan. 

Oh, you’re wondering about the apple. Of course them knowing what is good and evil isn’t wrong, if the concept has been invented, let them know of it. Who do you think sent Crowley to tempt them? Hell, ultimately, but that was  _ my  _ suggestion originally. Anyway, beings with a concept of morality are far more fun to watch. 

You might be wondering, if I wanted them to eat the apple, why did I tell them not to, or why didn’t I just give them the apple, or better yet, why didn’t I just give them the knowledge? Aziraphale would tell you it’s ineffable. He’s wrong; it’s not. I needed the angel and demon to meet, and it was an excellent location for their first meeting. I was also very proud of Aziraphale for giving them his flaming sword. Just for the record. 

Them meeting was very much crucial to the Ineffable Plan that would avert Armageddon, but it was more crucial to the amendment of the Ineffable Plan, which was that my two favorites find each other. I'd long ago decided they were destined to be together.

I wasn’t  _ completely _ hands-off, I will say. I rather amused myself in the intervening millennia with making sure Aziraphale and Crowley crossed paths often. I also stopped watching when the talk turned a bit more love-filled than otherwise. No parent wants to watch that. Several times, I made sure that no angel or demon thought to check in on them, or erased records when something bad turned up in one (or something good, in Crowley’s case). But I was very glad to see my two favorites (don’t tell the others, they’d be crushed. Especially Archangel Fucking Gabriel, who wanted to burn my favorite angel. I was very impressed with their solution, and of course that lovely witch Agnes proposed it, but I am more than a bit disappointed neither of them realised the obvious. But I’ll get back to that.) 

So, as is obvious, Heaven and Hell: necessary to keep bloodshed down. Earth: exists from a fit of boredom once I locked the angels in their rooms and told them to work it out without me. Armageddon: No.

But the Armageddon that wasn’t, and would never be, was really rather  _ fun _ to watch. It was also fun to orchestrate. Some things required extreme divine intervention. Madame Tracy, for example, had not planned on a seance. 

The bookstore burning had been deliberate, the discorporation had not. The bookstore had to burn, of course -- they were being so  _ thick _ about each other that they both had to be hit over the head with what they meant to the other. Both for the overarching Ineffable Plan and for the amendment to it. Aziraphale and Crowley could only do the necessary work to prevent Armageddon if they were a united team (and also, after 6 millennia, slow burn doesn't even begin to cover it). And Aziraphale was going to get his body back, regardless of what Heaven thought. I’m God, I’m in charge, moving on.

I had also nudged the angel into grabbing Agnes’ last prophecy. Well, they certainly found  _ one _ correct interpretation, but -- and this is really what I’d like to straighten out, for anyone who cares -- it wasn’t the one I  _ intended _ .

It goes like this: Demons are angels who “fell” (fell is in quotation marks because that’s what they all call it, but I’d more say, demons are angels who were told they’re wrong.) They’re all angels, that’s the point. Holy water does not hurt an angel, so why would it hurt a demon? It wouldn’t, of course, they’re not built that way. Holy water is simply water that carries a bit of a blessing from me, or one of my appointed representatives, and can do no more harm to an angel than rain. 

Remember, demons are angels.

Hellfire does not harm a demon. How could it? They chose to have hellfire everywhere, it would be a very silly creation if they all went extinct near it. It does not hurt a demon, so why would it hurt an angel? Hellfire is just fire that a demon was spiteful about, and does no more harm to a non-corporeal angel than actual fire.

Remember, angels are demons.

These only hurt them and extinguish them because they believe it to be true. Had any of them exhibited imagination, intelligence, or critical reasoning, they would have already discovered this. (Crowley came the closest when he hopped through that church. But not quite there yet).

I had rather hoped that my two favorites had simply realised they are exactly the same, angel and demon, or angel and angel, or demon and demon, because the only distinction is political alliance. And so what does not hurt one cannot hurt the other, and vice versa.

They chose to swap bodies instead, which was an excellent idea, if only because my darling Aziraphale could finally get a bit of his own back by making Michael (self-righteous little shit she is) miracle him a bathtowel. Crowley, I’m afraid, had the harder task -- not because hellfire is worse, or because a demon should never set foot in Heaven, but because he suddenly bore the brunt of the knowledge of how very much his beloved was hated. That is never an easy realisation to make, I’m afraid. 

Some other last minute thoughts: Angels and demons do not have sex drives, for the most part. That was intentional -- I didn’t want them running around procreating. Immortal beings who can have children just does not work. Either the children are immortal as well, and creation is overrun, or the children aren’t, and your immortal beings are now grief-struck for the rest of eternity. I suppose I could have let them have sex simply for the fun of it, but between you and me, I didn’t even consider that.

Some of them did  _ develop _ sex drives after humans were given it, but very few (and the humans were given it specifically because, well, they needed to procreate, and I made it fun so they’d do it more, although I may have gone a bit overboard on that. They ended up unable to think straight when sex was on the table. Actually, that reminds me of another joke:  _ God says to Adam, "I have good news and bad news", to which Adam asks, "what's the good news?" God answers, "I gave you both a brain and a penis". So Adam asks, "what's the bad news?" God: "I only gave you enough blood to use one at a time".  _ As it happens, I know many jokes about religion and sex. I've always liked jokes. (If you think I don't have a sense of humor, look at the platypus)).

Humans were not given death as a punishment. Immortality, for angels, had been a bad idea. I’d learned, after the rebellion, that having beings die means that ideas can also be forgotten. Earth has proven that often enough, that things change when generations die. Death was my gift to humanity. 

And if you want to know what my favorites are up to, you can stop by Soho anytime. They’re still in that bookshop, although now I believe Crowley has added a record store. He sells everything but Queen. Queen is the only music playing in the store. He enjoys that. When they close their respective shops for the night, they continue on much the same as they always have. I check in, time to time, to make sure they’re still alright. 

Now, you’ve got work to do. Run along and stop avoiding it. Also, you’re still playing poker in a dark room with a person who won’t tell you the rules and won’t stop smiling. But there was a flash of light in the room for a moment. Try to adjust back to the darkness.


End file.
